I came across an article last year that has really stayed with me. I have long since forgotten where I read it, but it was written by a woman (whom I’ll call Jan) who was working in what she called a very toxic environment. She described her boss as having a very stressful communication style and other unhealthy behaviours that made working there barely sustainable. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there were a couple of colleagues who were tight with the boss who also exhibited a number of challenging behaviours. It was all she could do to keep focused on the project.

One day, the boss called Jan into her office and let her know that she would be let go when the project ended in 6 weeks. Jan was told that she wasn’t a good fit for the organization and that her contract would not be renewed.

Needless to say, Jan was devastated. Could the boss not see how her own actions were making the project unnecessarily difficult or at least see how some of Jan’s colleagues were not actually contributing to the project but were in fact sabotaging it while taking credit for Jan’s work?

Jan was at her wits’ end and went to her meditation group and spoke to the teacher about her painful and difficult situation.

The teacher advised Jan to focus on practicing lovingkindness and compassion. Jan was tempted to quit her job and take legal action against her boss. How could she go on working in an environment where she wasn’t wanted and where her hard work wasn’t appreciated? But, Jan really believed in the project. She had already invested a lot in it and deep down, she knew that she really wanted to see it through to fruition, even if it took everything she had.

So Jan turned to her practice. Bit by bit, she began to practice feeling kindness toward herself and compassion for the depth of her pain. At first, it was very difficult to even feel any kind of love toward herself. Her thoughts kept going to blame, toward herself for getting into the situation and toward the others for mistreating her.

With great patience and persistence, she began to soften her heart and feel a tender protectiveness toward her vulnerable self. She learned to hold her fear and anger and sadness with growing compassion and found strength and refuge here. It wasn’t easy. There were times when she was tempted to quit. But overall, she began to feel lighter. She was able to connect to her own sense of integrity and deep care about the work she was doing.

She began to practice lovingkindness toward the others in her workplace. At first she could feel just the tiniest bit for only a few moments at a time, but even this grew with practice. At times, she even felt peaceful and content at work and although there were still challenges; she described feeling more grounded than she had in a long time. People at work began to notice a change in her and many asked her what was going on with her. 

They were drawn to her, though they couldn’t explain why.

The project was nearing a close when the boss called Jan into her office. There was only one week to go until it would be launched and Jan’s contract would be terminated. But this time, the boss didn’t want her to go. She remarked that she had seen many positive changes and wanted to rehire her permanently. Jan went away and thought it over and even though she strongly believed in the work she was doing, she realized she did not want to work in an environment that she felt to be toxic.

She was able to finish up the contract while feeling confident about how she had handled her emotions and how she had behaved in an incredibly stressful environment. She marveled at how far she had come, at the magnitude of shift the lovingkindness and compassion practices had made for her over such a short time. She understood that although she didn’t like the behaviors of some of her colleagues, she knew that their behaviors came out of their own wish to be happy and she was able to let them roll off her more easily.

Wishing you a healthy and happy Spring.

Warmly,


Marian & Brett

Last week, I stopped in to visit a colleague at a hospital where we both worked in a pain program for the last 2 years. She didn’t have time to go for coffee, so I decided to pick one up after our meeting.

I had 20 minutes before I needed to leave for an appointment and was really looking forward to an iced decaf Americano. I hesitated when I saw that the line inside Starbucks was very long, but the person ahead of me assured me that it would only take about 5 minutes as there were 5 staff members on.

After ordering, I chatted with another customer — Linda – who had been behind me at the pickup counter. It seemed to be taking an awfully long time and when Linda was called for her drink, I realized something was wrong. When I told the barista this, she told me they had made a mistake on my order and it would be a couple more minutes. Five minutes or so later, they had the drink right, but as the barista went to put on the lid, the drink spilled all over the floor. It had now been 20 minutes and I could feel my muscles tensing and my heart beating faster…

I asked for a credit to use another day as I had run out of time. The barista went to the manager who said she could not issue a credit, but could make the drink in a minute. Unfortunately, the manager herself did not make the drink, it took several minutes, and when the staff person handed it to me, it was a size smaller than I had ordered. Aughhh!

I knew it didn’t help that I was nervous about being late for my medical appointment;. What if my doctor was actually running on time?… As I left the café, it took me a couple of minutes before I could even begin to be curious about the pain, and start to really contact it in my whole being. It took a couple more to feel the compassion begin to arise for myself and the employee as I walked back to the car. It wasn’t super strong , but I could feel the grip of the emotional and physical pain leaving me. My heart rate slowed, my breathing became regular, my shoulders were now more or less out of my ears. 
I made it to my appointment on time and got whisked into a room within 10 minutes.. . Where I waited another 45 minutes for my doctor.

Denial of Difficult Emotions

I can see the humour in it in retrospect and I’m fully aware that it is a first world problem. But denying the pain of even this small an incident doesn’t serve us. If I’m not able to hold my uncomfortable emotions and sensations with caring and mindful awareness, the ripple effect can be quite negative and far-reaching. Not only for my own physical and mental health, but for my subsequent actions (driving when angry or impatient) and interactions with unsuspecting others.

There are many such events sprinkled throughout our days. If we don’t allow ourselves to make contact with the discomfort that we feel with everyday disappointments and challenges, how can we expect to stay connected to ourselves when the inevitably more difficult experiences greet us? Like injury, illness, loss of employment, loss of loved ones, caring for a family member or friend… We usually try to bypass suffering and go straight to pretending “it’s all good.”

Compassion is about having an open heart in the presence of pain or suffering. It’s a human capacity that allows us to experience pain and then transform it into something useful. Mindfulness and compassion practices allow us to open to the difficult thoughts and emotions we experience without being overwhelmed, without abandoning ourselves, without looking to others to make it okay. 


Being compassionate with ourselves helps us to respond to difficult emotions with greater ease and emotional resilience. It also helps us motivate ourselves with kindness rather than the voice of a harsh critic.

Wishing you a healthy and happy September!

Warmly, 


Marian and Brett

Hi everyone, we would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy, peaceful and safe holiday with loved ones and friends. Thank you for your support over the years!
Warmly,
Marian and Brett
December 2013

Late last Saturday night, I was walking the dog in sub-zero temperatures and heard someone’s footsteps behind me. I turned to see a young man clutching a pizza box. I smiled and quipped, “Great night for a hot pizza!” He grinned, telling me he had just made it himself at a restaurant where he worked. “Would you like to see it?” he beamed, proudly displaying his steaming creation as we walked. The melted cheese covered mysterious lumps and bumps I couldn’t make out in the darkness, but it all smelled heavenly. And then it came…

“Would you like a piece?” he offered. It took a moment to register what he had asked. I was blown away. It was a small pizza to begin with and he was a total stranger. I was so touched and warmed by his spontaneous generosity that I smiled the rest of the way home. (And whenever I recall it.)
Good experiences happen all the time yet, we often don’t attend to them and really let them sink in. When we do savour positive experiences, psychologist Fred Bryant has shown that it actually intensifies our positive response to them. According to Marc Lewis at U of T, the longer something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating, the more neurons fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace of it becomes in our memory. As psychologist Rick Hanson explains, actively savouring a good experience for 5, 10 or even 20 seconds has the effect of changing the structure of our brain in a positive way. Having positive feelings today sets us up for more positive feelings tomorrow, increasing our optimism and resilience over time.

In my interchange with the young man, there was a mutual joy that was palpable. And for me at least, one that lasted far beyond the interaction…

Generosity has the power to cut through habits of self-absorption, stinginess and doubt as to whether we have anything of worth to give. If we don’t have pizza to offer, we have the gift of our wholehearted presence and respect. And that’s something to feel good about.

Consider:

• choosing a day to practice generosity from the moment you wake up. See how many ways you can give in one day. Notice your intention, how it feels to give, and others’ reactions. See how it feels to reflect on it at the end of the day. (Adapted from Tsultrim Allione.) Let it sink in.
• practicing generosity in your attitude toward yourself… Especially in the places where you tend to be critical.
• letting go of perfectionism, running around trying to find the “perfect” gift, making the “perfect” meal… Remembering the holidays are all about relaxing, connecting and counting our blessings.

We wish you a healthy 2014,

Marian & Brett